yummers

This weekend myself and the rest of the bridal party threw a bridal shower for my sister. It was a huge success and the reward was in how amazed and thankful and overwhelmed (in a good way) my sister was during and after the shower. Here is just a "taste" of what we all enjoyed!

consider your options

I'm still processing all of this, but I wanted to share a few thoughts on childbirth.

Today I was chatting with a few ladies about labour and birth. Some have children and some don't. I think what I came away with was that I feel frustrated by how many women feel that they just "can't" do natural childbirth. That they just aren't capable of it. Which is such crap. (In my opinion).

Now I don't by any means believe that I am superior or better than any of those women because I chose to have natural childbirths, but I think it's the mindset from the very start that is predominant and says that "You can't do it on your own, you definitely need drugs but it's likely that you'll need a C-section."

Now that's not to say that some women definitely need to be in the hospital and having a C-section because of some condition or situation that they or their baby is currently in. But to be low-risk and to choose to load up on the drugs because you think you won't be strong enough is like saying that you shouldn't try and do a marathon because it'll hurt and you might not make it. Why not just try? I suppose if you're really concerned you could have a golf cart follow behind you in case you collapse and can't make it a single step more...

I just feel like women need to feel empowered by the childbirth experience instead of shying away from it - it's natural! It's normal! It's a part of who we are as women! We help the human race to continue existing!!! That is AMAZING. That is HUGE. Bringing a child into this world is painful, yes, but it's also so incredible. It's a reflection of what RAISING a child is like. It's painful at times, but it's also incredible. Incredibly rewarding! Incredibly painful!
Childbirth is just the start of that process and to skip over that is robbing yourself in a sense.

Now I know that I've been blessed to have relatively easy births. Okay...easy births. BUT, I wouldn't do it any other way. Other women I know who have experienced both a birth with drugs/C-section and natural childbirth say that there is NOTHING like natural childbirth. The absolute HIGH you are on afterward is unlike anything else. To be able to say, "I DID IT. I brought a human life into this world!" now THAT is an amazing thing to say.

These are my thoughts, and I harbour no judgment toward women who CHOOSE to do something else, but I guess my main point is...if you are pregnant and thinking about your labour and birth plan (which I'm thinking you will at some point!) PLEASE consider ALL your options. Think through what's best for you and for your baby (DO YOUR RESEARCH!) and then find a healthcare provider who can support you and your birth plan.

Because of my amazing midwives I was able to have my second home birth. They fought for me to get my antibiotics administered at home. They got me a second opinion from a doctor who gave me a prescription for the antibiotics I needed. If it had been up to my doctor I would have had a hospital birth which would have been a complete waste of my time and tax payers money since everything went so smoothly. I am so thankful to have had my two home birth experiences and I am so thankful for my midwives.

running

Lately when I've seen Noah run, it makes me think of this:



It's true!

a plethora of things...

Wow. I've got a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head to blog about. I think I'll just make one gigantically long entry and let you sort your way through it.

1. Naps.

My boys are both refusing to nap right now but I'm refusing to get them up. They BOTH need a nap so...here I sit. It was quiet for a bit, but now Noah is talking to himself and Jude is crying. We shall see where this leads.

2. Flip.

I'm SO EXCITED about my new Flip Video Camera. My parents got me a gift card to a mall for my birthday but I didn't know what I wanted. I want clothes, but not for this body. Maybe my body about 1 or 2 sizes smaller. But not this one. So...what was it to be? A whack load of little things? Sometimes it's nice to get a whole bunch of little things, but I think it's also nice to have one big thing to look at think - oh yeah, my parents got me this! So I went to the mall with the boys this morning and picked it up from the store that I had called last night to put one on hold for me. I absolutely LOVE it! Thanks to my friend Mel for giving me her thoughts on it and recommendation! It's small, easy to use and makes uploading and sharing videos SUPER easy. It's perfect and I'm excited to use it!

3. This blog.

I've often thought about the hodge-podge that is this blog. A lot of people are really creative and specific when writing their blog entries. They are well crafted works of art. Each entry has a specific topic and is captivating (usually). I am not so sure my blog has ever been like that. But for some reason people keep reading it (mind you, not a LOT of people I don't think *hi Mom!*) but the one thing that's often repeated is, "I'm glad I can stay up to date with what's going on in your life through your blog". And that makes me happy. Because I have a lot of friends that I love dearly but am not able to stay in touch with regularly. But through my blog I'm able to share my life with them. The every day. The mundane. The joys and the pain that happen in my life.

The only thing is I don't get to hear what's going on in THEIR (read: YOUR) life. So maybe you should start a blog too. :D

4. Cleaning & Cooking

Recently I've become determined and found a desire to really be a good Keeper of the Home. I want to serve my family by taking care of my family and our home. The ways this works out is through cleaning and cooking (mainly). So I've given myself one (sometimes two) tasks per day to accomplish. This way I keep myself busy without (hopefully) getting overwhelmed at all there is to do. There are also so many other pros to doing this but I don't think I need to list the obvious ones.

I also want to get into good habits. Like clearing the table, doing the dishes and putting everything away each night. From the very start in my marriage, I've never been good at doing this, but when I DO, the reward of a clean kitchen makes my soul happy.

As for cooking, I'm really striving to continue to make up a meal plan every Sunday afternoon or evening. I've also found this amazing resource which I plan to make use of: http://www.soscuisine.com which is Canadian and has different plans you can subscribe to (like cooking for kids, cooking for one, cooking on a budget, etc.).

So for those who are interested, here are my tasks and the days I've allotted:

Monday: floors & front door

- vacuum, sweep, swiffer all the floors in the house

- straighten up and tidy the front door area - putting shoes, coats and other items away

Tuesday: bathrooms

- clean both upstairs and downstairs bathrooms

Wednesday: kitchen

- continue to keep up the kitchen, maybe another sweep or mop of the floor

- also can be a catch-up day if I fall behind

Thursday & Friday: laundry

I'd also like to do certain things biweekly or monthly - like changing sheets and towels, cleaning toys, and maybe doing a double or triple batch of food to put in the deep freezer. But we'll get to that after these weekly things start to become a habit and more consistent in my life.

Whew. Long post. Hope you enjoyed catching up with me!

ugh

Classic nap rant....

Why won't my boys nap at the same time?

*sob*

Seriously. I don't even try to nap because without fail (I'm serious...EVERY SINGLE TIME) one of them cries within 10 minutes of me lying down. Usually less.

Like today. Jude woke up after his classic 45 minute nap but I hadn't finished cleaning the bathroom and I could tell he was still tired so I decided to let him cry for a bit while I finished. Well, he eventually stopped and either fell back to sleep or is just lying there quietly (I'm fine with either, quite frankly). So...I decided I would lay down for a few minutes. And a few minutes was all I got. Noah started moaning a bit. He's off and on and I'm letting him wake up fully so I don't walk into a CRANKSTER but secretly I'm hoping he'll fall back to sleep too. But by that time, Jude will have woken up.

Classic.

woot!

Today was such a good day for me and for Noah.
We went to church and Noah did his typical FREAK OUT when we dropped him off in the nursery and I was just waiting to see his number come up on the screen for us to go get him during the service. But it never came. And neither did Jude's (although that's pretty normal - he's always pretty good, I just thought he might get hungry today by the end and while he was starting to fuss, it wasn't anything major) and Jamie and I felt so victorious at the end of the service. I turned to him and said, "Yes! No numbers! Bump it!" And we gave each other props.
Because we're kinda lame like that.
And so we heard from the nursery worker that Noah did really well. He didn't play too much, but he didn't scream and cry the whole time which is what he usually does.
And then we went to the gym later today and dropped Noah and Jude off at the playcare center. And Noah did his usual FREAK OUT again but when I came back to get him after working out he was happy as a lark, showing Elijah a block and just wandering around the room. On.His.Own.
This is an achievement because even if he was quiet before he needed to be held or in someone's lap. I'm so thrilled and just feel a weight off my shoulders because even though I was and am committed to helping Noah learn to have time away from Jamie and I, it was very hard for me to want to go to the gym knowing Noah was spaz the entire time. Because a child who is screaming bloody murder is hard on the workers and hard on the other kids in the room.
So yay for a good day and here's to hopefully many more!

three big words

There has been so much going on and so much that I have wanted to blog about but just haven't gotten around to it.
But I'm going to hunker down - oh wait, gotta get the baby - okay NOW I'm ready to hunker down (until he starts crying again...) and tell all three of you about where I'm at these days.

Post Partum Depression.

Yep. That's me. I actually thought I had escaped it 2nd time around.

With Noah it was there. I didn't know it, but it was there. For the first 6 or so weeks of Noah's life I walked around in a perpetual state of nervousness, anxiety and paranoia. I was good at hiding it for the most part. But people close to me knew something was up. Like after the baby shower my Mom threw for me when Noah was 10 days old and at the end of it all I hid upstairs and bawled my eyes out. And then, as if by magic, the cloud was lifted and I looked back at the previous 6 or so weeks and realized, "Wow. I was SO not myself. What was up with that?"

This time the first 6 or so weeks were a dream. Jude was sweet and sleepy. He slept a lot and I was able to spend lots of time with Noah and Jamie and recup from an amazingly easy labour and birth.

And then Jamie went back to work. And I was by myself for a lot of the time. The hormones crashed and the sleep deprivation started to settle in. Big time. Noah was/is going through some sleep issues and often both boys would be up during the night. I would cry and swear in anger and desperation to sleep. And then one night I rolled over and told Jamie that I just had a thought of killing myself. And I cried some more. Because saying it out loud made it too real. And saying out loud made me realize it wasn't the first time I had thought something like this.

The next day I started talking to people. I called a counselor in my area that deals with PPD. I talked to a dear friend who is on the recovery path from depression (likely started with her second child) and some wonderful women from my church who came around me in support and love and prayer. I WANT to be a better Mommy. I WANT to feel "normal" and feel like I thought I would. I am NOT a type-A personality. I am laid back and generally relaxed. At least, I was before I had kids. I want that back.

I know I'll never be no-kids Vanessa again, and I'm totally okay with that. I love being a Mom. But I know I'm not healthy right now. And I want to be. I want to be able to cope and deal with every day stress in a "normal" way. I want to be able to feel motivation to get up and DO things (cleaning, cooking, exercising, getting OUT, visiting family and friends and having a nice, full schedule) but as it is, I find myself very stressed out if there is too much on my plate, obligations to fulfill, expectations to measure up to and it's not a fun place to be, quite frankly.

PPD is interesting in that it's not what I thought "depression" was/is. I thought if I was depressed I would be crying ALL the time (not just sometimes). I thought I would be moping around and never smiling. But that's not the case.
I have good days. Full of joy. Full of laughter. But I also have hard days. Days that are hard but shouldn't necessarily be hard. I don't cope well with increased amounts of stress and I especially don't cope well with a severe lack of sleep. I have dark moments and moments where I KNOW that this is not who I am. It's not who I want to keep being.

I want to smile more.

I want to laugh more.

I want to host big parties and not feel completely depleted of any and all energy at the end of it.

I want to sleep more. :D

I want to be more me.

I want the sunshine to outweigh the darkness.

**If you or anyone you know is dealing with PPD or any form of depression, please reach out. There are so many resources and organizations that offer help and information. Please say something. What's the worst that can happen?**

Neon

I really like John Mayer and I REALLY like this cover by this dude.



I'll be checking his other songs out.

Youtube is a really cool thing. Think about it. All these artists (?) can put themselves out there for THE WORLD to see. It's amazing. The chance of becoming "famous" or striking rich or getting signed to a label or whatnot has probably increased exponentially.
It's an interesting phenomenon.

expanding my musical tastes

I'm a new fan of Coeur de Pirate and this video is super cute. No idea what she's saying, but I like her. :)

GET. CANDY.

In honour of Halloween...ya gotta love this Seinfeld clip.

commercial lover

If you didn't know it about me...I love good commercials. Whether they are witty, funny, sad, sweet...if it's well done, I actually don't mind commercials.
I'm in the middle of watching So You Think You Can Dance and this commercial came on:

The hilarity of it PLUS Michael Bolton's raspy voice had me literally laughing out loud.